Because I Have 500 In My Account Doesn’t Mean I’m Useless.
Right?😭
Recently I read a memoir: I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteobokki by Baek Sehee. What drew me in was the title because I have found myself, many times, wishing for the night to never end just so I do not face my life. Only for my mom to cook a tasty meal and everything seemed right in my world that moment. The power of a hearty meal should never be underestimated.
Baek Sehee is an extremely open book in her memoir; I mean, her therapy transcripts were all there for the world to see. I felt like an outsider spying on a woman in her most vulnerable state at first; later, I just learned to relax and exist in the safe space Sehee was trying to create. She touched on a lot: her issue with self esteem, depression, body image, and the one that stuck with me most, dealing with extreme rationality.
Having an extreme way of thinking is having your thoughts jump from point A to negative 3.47 in a matter of seconds. It’s an unconscious way of blowing things out of proportion, living in constant fear of the worst case scenario. An example would be cutting a friend off because of a slight misunderstanding; or, thinking they hate you because they didn’t acknowledge your messages on time. I have been in these situations a lot, more than I would like to admit, and I always end up with extreme rationalisations. What is the grey area when I can just assume the worst?
Marinating in this phenomenon for days and comparing Sehee’s notes to mine drew me to this conclusion: my ability to be extreme when making rationalisations and decisions stem from a place of self loathe, a very low self esteem. Looking back, there were many events and instances where I blew out of proportion just because I was projecting my thoughts, my own ideas of how I am perceived by those close to me. I have imagined that discussions about finances and the future are subtle jabs to me because I still exist in uncertainty about who I am and who I want to be, when in reality, my people were just having adult conversations.
I was once offended, deeply than I’d like to say to another soul, when I told a friend where I planned to have my internship and they went, “and they’re not paying? God forbid. Me, I plan to IT in a place that will offer more”. I was immediately deflated whilst on the call and my conclusion was: she thinks I am not good enough to snag a juicy opportunity. She is looking down on me. She thinks I do not have potential. She should be cut off. I know what she said might rub off the wrong way but what if? What if that’s her own resolution: to not IT where she would not be paid? What if that’s a feasible option for her? Does what she wants for herself really have anything, good or bad, to do with me? After all, I cannot always like what the next person likes or has, my own is my own. Maybe the God forbid was a bit…bad?
Rationalising things in extreme coupled with deep low self esteem is a recipe for disaster. One begins to resent others and then himself for resenting people. Once I thought about it, really thought about it, I saw how it was affecting my life. I am always on the defensive, hating criticisms and corrections because to me, those are just flowery ways of saying I’m not liked or I’m not good enough.
My mother is always exasperated when I flare up at her for telling me I did something the wrong way. But how do I tell her that her telling me I didn’t cook the rice to be soft enough automatically means, to me, that I make a bad cook, a bad daughter, and then one day, a bad wife? Isn’t that like madness? I felt so seen and so ashamed when Sehee and her therapist spoke at length about this issue. I saw myself in her, more than I would have liked. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing the original but warped version of yourself.
This thing has made me want to close up on myself. I do not look unfamiliar people in the eye when having conversations because I’m scared I might find my own thoughts in their eyes. One time, I was trying to speak to someone, a coursemate or so I think, and it felt like I was being ignored. I immediately chucked it up to me not being good looking enough to be paid any mind to. In retrospect, the guy might have just being rude, people like that do exist, or he didn’t even hear me. But for days, I didn’t want to leave my room because I had concluded that my appearance wasn’t outside or people worthy.
The one extreme rationale I have carried for so long and I’m shedding bit by bit is that I can never be God’s beloved because my works do not measure up. When I forget to do my Bible study or fall back into the sin I promised I had let go of, I tell God, “wait here, let me go and clean myself. I’m too dirty. You do not need someone like me to ruin Your day. I do not deserve You.” For many years, I have told myself this: “You? Precious to God? Are you even precious to yourself? What can you offer?” The answer I hated the most, “nothing. There’s nothing I can offer” is actually the true answer, the redeeming factor. I have nothing to offer but myself, just as I am.
It’s tough to believe that. It’s tough to believe that when I can sometimes be the most irritating and annoying person to walk this world. It’s tough to believe that when I know the kind of thoughts and pettiness that lives in me. It’s very tough when I know that all the ways I try to overcompensate, by being too agreeable so I can be liked more by people whilst still holding deep grudges and resentments, are known by God. And the fact that He still wants me makes me want to run.
So when I look at people moving mountains for Him and just being “too good” while I’m here, still trying to be consistent with my Bible plan, I try not to let it get to me. I immediately ask Him to shut down the approaching extreme rationale that I know will say run, you cannot do this; you cannot be thoroughly loved by Him with your bad character. I can, not by my strength, but by His.
After reading Sehee’s work, I realise I need to work on myself and the way I think. It’s going to be tough undoing what has been done and has become familiar. If you look closely, you’ll see that I still battle strongly with it, even the way I go about trying to get it right still feels wrong and forced. It’s as though I’m trying to get rid of the thoughts completely. But that is not possible, they will still be there, I only have to find ways to fight them. Difficult, but I will give it a go. And where my strength fails, I will invite Strength Himself.
You can clap up to 50 times, comment, and share. I’m trying to get back to my writing groove.🤭
