Cheers To Living.

A year of yeses and nos, and being led by God.

I have never been one to feel a type of way about a new year, instead I got my joy, goosebumps, and feeling from others. I get emotional when I see people around me being emotional; I get reflective when my pastor requests that we think about God’s goodness from January till December; I get goosebumps when I taste the laughter in the air, the victory and joy of making it out of the old into the new. But left alone, I did not understand what to feel, how to feel.

Every new year, I always felt like one walking into the dark with no lights; like a fighter with no tactics, no plan. I was always apprehensive, never daring to make a list because I never believed I would see it through January. The truth is, I was so so scared of disappointing myself — past, present, future — so I never dared to dream; never dared to make a two-year, five-year, ten-year plan. So while you might have been writing your resolutions, I was looking to end every new year the way I started: no risks taken, no trials, errors, and triumphs; no new memories, no heartbreaks, no nothing; just a girl standing and living in one spot.

There is something you might have caught me saying, “even if the world is tying you down, must you join hands to tie yourself down too?” For a while now, I have lived as the “world” that is tying me down. I have become my biggest enemy, a cutthroat critic; I have mocked and berated myself. I have thrown myself into the dust and become the inhibiting factor blocking myself from immersing into life, its spirituality and entirety. I have said unspeakable things to myself and brought myself so low into the depths of my personal hell, a hell so angry and wicked even the devil stays far far away from its vicinity.

I have blocked my own ears from the soothing words of my Father. In moments of pure fury and frustration, I have told Him to leave me alone, that people like me do not deserve the love He is offering. I reminded Him of what He once said, you do not give food meant for the children to the dogs. And when He tries to tell me there is more to that sentence, that I know well there is more to that sentence, I scream and yell that I do not want to hear it. I tell Him, “she does not deserve it, give it to someone else that will cherish and nurture this love You are offering.” But He does not listen you see, if there is another word to describe Him apart from Love, it is Stubborn; He just would not let me go. So I would let myself go and cackle when I see the sadness on His face but this was never a battle I won for a long period of time. Let me tell you this, my Father would always return for another round of this pitiful dance, this entangling tango.
Like a robber in the night, I have walked into the space I once created for myself and trashed it till all you could see was destruction, silence, fear, and weakness. I have cut off my own wings. I have swallowed my audacity to be and it rests like a heavy piece of rock in the depths of my hell. I have enchanted my eyes to only see horror and terror when it looks in the mirror; I have spoken to my heart to beat faster than the rhythm to which it is allowed till I feel like air is being beaten out of me, till I am almost in the embrace of my own death.

But now I ask myself, even if the world is tying you down, must you tie yourself down too? In Nigeria-speak, “if they are doing you, must you do yourself?” In the last two months of 2023, I dared to answer that question. I have said no as I read and regurgitate the words of my Father to calm my heart that beats faster than the rhythm to which it is allowed. I have said no as I re-enchant my eyes to see beauty and intentionality when it looks into the mirror. I have said no as I drag my own hands away from my ears to hear clearly what my Father is saying. I have said no as I unlock the lock holding my lips in anguish so they can spread into a lovely curve. I have said no as I capture memories in tangible form and think “lovely” instead of “disgusting”.

There are still a lot of nos I want to say this new year, and yeses too. I want to say yes to walking out of my one spot; I want to say yes to writing and living more; I want to say yes to seeing, seeing what my Father has in store for me. I want to say no to pressure; unwarranted envy; fear and anxiety and worry. I want to tear that cloak of self-consciousness and self depreciation that I have worn for years and years. I want to say yes to finding beautiful music, books, and people; to sharing laughter and vulnerabilities; to daring to dream.

I might not grow new wings this year but I will wait and watch patiently as my feathers come out. I will prune and nurture them till they grow into strong and magnificent wings so I can fly, fly, fly. I want to reach into the hell I know so well to bring out my audacity to be; if my hands get burned in this process, it is alright for like my entire being, they would get healed eventually. I want to lose myself in the sweet and frantic rhythm of dance and the warm and familiar embrace of a song well loved. I want to dance and sing till my core is filled with something so pure and childlike it spills over to even those within a five mile radius, as dancing is the way I can declare myself free.

I want to recreate my space, build it with strong and beautiful words, make it so safe for me to lay down and rest. I want to break down my walls till they become the dust of memories I would rather forget and bridge the gap between myself and the ones I love, the ones I want to learn to trust. I want to show so much love to the ones I care about, I want to tell them, “see, I’m stripping myself of all my defences because of who you are to me.” And I want to allow myself to receive their love in return. If I ever try to reject it, maybe for one reason or another, I want to shout till my voice rings like a thousand bells that I deserve this love, I deserve this love, I deserve this love! I want to bring my family together in a circle and tell them, we share the same blood, probably even the same fate so join hands with me, let us become strong allies; let us fight this thing we are hiding together. Let us heal, let us grow; let us live truly, beautifully.

On this note, I have just one thing on my new year resolution: to live however my Father wills. I have never been good at making decisions and finding my way so this new year and the ones to follow, I am just going to allow myself to be led by my Father. So help me God.

Happy new year people, thank you for finding me and sticking with me. Cheers to living.