I Think I Prefer Being In The Dark.

3am questions I ask my wall.

Last year, I watched this Korean drama series called “Nevertheless”. The most prominent theme in the series was the toxicity of relationships that will burn hot this moment and get freezing cold the next. My girl Na Bi fell completely for a playboy— a handsome hunk of flesh with a butterfly tattoo at the nape of his neck who evaded commitment like his life depended on it and I’m not ashamed to say I crushed on him for months! Na Bi had the option to choose between this guy and another who loved her so much it hurt us the viewers. This other guy was ready to give Na Bi the healthiest of all relationships but surprisingly yet unsurprisingly, Na Bi chose the butterfly boy.

The whole kdrama fandom still talks about that choice — why would anyone in their right mind choose butterfly boy? I think I’ve lost my right mind because I would choose butterfly boy. Let me explain: there’s something about a chemistry that’s not acted on. Hold on before you tell me I’m delulu, I’m still getting there. I’ve never had the opportunity to be with someone I liked but I’ve come close, twice. And the not yet there, the suspense was damn fun!

It all starts with a simple thought — ”I know you like me". I find it exhilarating to just know and not act, maybe it’s my defense mechanism or maybe I need to see a therapist. The first time it happened to me, I was not aware of this preference of mine. I suddenly woke up one day and realised that oh, I liked this guy. If you asked me why, then and now, I honestly have no answer. I just liked him. For a few months, I nursed this feeling from afar until the day someone did me dirty by telling him. I wasn’t mad, oh no, the fun had just begun. What followed was months of intense eye contact, touching but not touching, sitting close but not too close, staring but not staring, if you get what I mean, and oh boy, I rode this high! Never did I speak to him, in fact, I remember kinda ignoring him when he tried to talk. I thought we both had it sorted, we were going to like each other from afar but I was the only one who had the memo, he just thought I was not interested anymore.

Now I wish I was more clear, I like you but I don’t necessarily want to date you. Ugh. This next one is the craziest of them both: here, he liked me first. I might not be quick in other things in this life but you see this knowing whether someone likes me or is just being nice? I’m ace at it. I knew this one liked me but I was still nursing leftover feelings for the last one. Then when the time was right, there was finally something between us but eventually, we both became the ones that got away. I really really did like this one. I still do. He was nice, genuine, unafraid of his feelings, and ayy dios mio, very very intelligent! Yes, I liked him but did I want to date him? No.

Don’t get me wrong, I love everything romance in theory. I’m even getting married to Lee Dong Wook in theory too. (Check him up on Google but don’t check him out.) But sometimes, the uncertainty is thrilling, exciting even. Let’s even leave out the psychological explanation for this and understand why undefined relationships might not be too bad. (okay, it sounds a bit bad.) Don’t we a want a bit of fun? A little guessing game here and there? Picking up a forget-me-not flower every fortnight and doing the he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not game? Getting giddy when the last petal is an he-loves-me? The eye contact that says we don’t belong to each other but we’re each other’s? Helloooooo, am I the only one on this mountain? Y’all have left me? Wait, do I sound like a crazy doomsday prophet?!😭

I know it sounds unhinged that in a world where every therapist, motivational speaker, girl boss and guy boss is saying DEFINE IT, I’m saying what about if we left it unchecked? But really, what about if we left it unchecked? Maybe not all though, just some. What about allowing someone to be that person whose touch doesn’t leave you content. Being content is overrated, let them be the one who would touch you, (coughs *mistakenly*, coughs loudly, *not icky predatorish touch abegg*), and you would be left buzzing with anticipation — “If I walked past tomorrow, what would he do? Would he smile or would he try to talk?”

My favourite hobby when I’m in this situation is calculating every action. Trying to figure out what he really meant when he said I miss you. Trying to understand if he joined that club because I’m in it or if he just suddenly loved writing. Trying to figure out if he stayed back because of me or if he just needed a break from activities. For me, it’s fun, really really fun to be in this dark with only a little lantern on to see. It’s not advisable and it’s probably not healthy but it’s fun.

So I totally get it when butterfly boy told Na Bi, “we like each other, isn’t that enough?” Sometimes, for me it is but you know the weird part? This might not be permanent. I might wake up tomorrow and realize that I’ve evolved, I want to date for real. So if you see me writing about love or whatnot, I’ve evolved. Or maybe it’s my alter ego. Just joking. Maybe not…

I know I sound like a relationship sociopath when you read this but I promise I’m not. Take my words with a grain of salt, all of them except the announcement about my wedding to Lee Dong Wook.

Till we meet again, adiós.